No secret in the Christian, walk porn use brings shame. Shame that can feel like a ball and chain. Do you want to see clearly?Porn clouds your vision and desire for God like a think fog. In this blog we will unpack the same cycle, how it works and how to break free.
“Shame plays a very important role in the ongoing use of pornography. In his book Unwanted, Jay Stringer found that for each unit of shame they felt, men were 300x more likely and women were 546x more likely to look at porn. And, Dr. Patrick Carnes, a founding father of sexual addiction therapy, put shame in a key place in his sexual addiction cycle.
So what is shame, how exactly does it contribute to ongoing pornography use, and how do you break free?”
Shame can actually drive more porn use.
The Biblical Origins of Shame
“Our first step to understanding shame’s role is to define it. One of the best starting places is the origin of shame itself, as presented in Genesis 3.
It’s probably one of the most familiar stories in the Bible. God created the first man and woman and placed them as the caretakers of a beautiful, protected garden. They were “both naked, yet felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25). A serpent showed up and convinced them that God was keeping them from personal growth and fulfillment by obeying the sole command God had given them. And as soon as they broke that command, “the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves” (Genesis 3:7).
Let’s pause right there for a moment. Adam and Eve didn’t feel guilt. A response of guilt would have been, “I did the one thing I was not supposed to do. I sinned against God, and I am sorry.” No; instead, their eyes were opened and they realized that they were naked. Notice what Adam says when God comes to walk in the garden: “I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid” (Genesis 3:10). In other words, shame made them afraid of being fully seen and known.
So, they decided to cover themselves. Since their goal in eating the fruit was to be like God, it’s possible they were trying to imitate what they had seen God wearing on their evening walks in the Garden—clothing that may have ranged from a robe with a sash of gold (Revelation 1:13) to amber and fire that glowed like a rainbow (Ezekiel 1:27-28). But the materials they had on hand—fig leaves—proved to be woefully inadequate. It would have been like trying to fashion together a wedding gown and tuxedo using printer paper, without any tape to hold it together.
Since that failed, their next (futile) idea was to hide. Remember, God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. I’m reminded of a time I played hide and seek with a toddler. She “hid” by laying on the couch, partially covered by a blanket. I looked straight at her while saying I couldn’t find her and asking if she was under a chair or hiding behind the curtains. It was an act of grace for the toddler to not end the game quickly; in the same way, I suspect it was an act of grace for God to not call them out. Instead, he allowed his children to come forward, giving them the opportunity to repent.
Unfortunately, even then they chose not to step forward to receive his mercy. Instead, they decided to blame-shift. “The woman you gave to be with me — she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate,” says the man, blaming both the woman and God himself. “The serpent deceived me, and I ate,” said the woman, not taking responsibility for her lack of obedience and trust in God’s promises. These are factual statements, by the way, but they’re presented in a way to avoid personal responsibility and put themselves in the best light possible”
Shame can cause you to hide from God, instead of a spending time in prayer in the word.
Things may have happened in our past that made is feel shame or unworthiness.
“Ultimately, whether it be micro-cuts on our psyche or major traumas, our wounds grow and fester over time, leading us to seek unhealthy outlets for relief—in this case, pornography. This is why “woundedness” is at the top of the cycle, not “wounds”; each of us has some form of damage from childhood, small or large, that needs to be healed”.
Examine Triggers
“The other common acronym is HALT, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. These four statuses may function directly as triggers (e.g. “I feel lonely so I’m going to watch porn for the illusion of companionship”), but they may also simply be states that leave you more vulnerable to direct triggers (e.g. “I’ve had insomnia for a week straight, so I’m more likely to click on that inappropriate link a spambot sent me on Twitter, even though I wouldn’t click it normally.”).
Before we move on, it’s worth mentioning that our triggers develop in a few ways. Some of them may be conditioned by us over time. For example, if you started using porn to fall asleep at night, tiredness will likely be a direct trigger for you. Other triggers may stem from our woundedness. For example, if your abuser had a dog that barked frequently, the sound of a dog barking may be a trigger for you”.
Ritual is—”before actually watching porn. It usually starts with fantasizing about it—maybe about finding some privacy, or maybe about a specific type of porn. From there you follow a process (conscious or not) that sets you up to watch pornography”.
“pornography” as an encompassing term for “sexual content that causes men and women to stumble into lust.”
Shame – “After (or sometimes while) viewing pornography, there comes a sense of shame. You know your values; you know whether using porn lives up to them. This is especially true for Christians who grew up with a traditional sexual ethic, where sex is reserved for marriage.
On top of that, though, porn is feeding into a negative sense of self-worth, whether you realize it or not. The secular organization NoFap points out the negatives of using porn. Physically, they focus on loss of libido or sexual dysfunctions. Psychologically, they noted that many of their community members exhibited the following symptoms of porn addiction:
- Low self-esteem or self-confidence
- Sense of shame
- Low mood or agitated mood
- Lack of motivation
In other words, whether the shame comes from a sense of failing to live up to what you believe to be scriptural standards or whether it’s that you can no longer be intimate with your partner (or struggle to find a partner in the first place), the net result is the same.
Hiding Sometimes we cover our shame with good deeds. We may volunteer a lot at church or buy our spouses their favorite treats when we slip up. Finally, we blame-shift when we either try to deny our actions (“I never look at porn! A coworker sent me this link and I clicked it without realizing!”) or blame someone else outright”.
Gods Grace and our Shame
“After Adam and Eve ate the fruit, God cursed them and kicked them out of the garden. But between the two events, he did something else. Genesis 3:21 says, “The Lord God made clothing from skins for the man and his wife, and he clothed them.”
Even after they tried to hide and avoid responsibility for their sin, God looked down at his beloved children with compassion. He traded in their flimsy clothes of fig leaves for warmer, more durable clothes of leather—at the cost of an animal’s life, prefiguring Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice. It is through Jesus that he does the same for us. Alone, we try to hide our shame in good deeds, which Isaiah 64:6 calls “like a polluted garment.” But God clothes us in robes of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10). (This isn’t to say that our good deeds have no value—they just don’t save us or cover our shame.)
To receive these robes, we’re asked to repent. We’re asked to lay aside every sin (including and especially pornography) that entangles us and to fix our eyes on Jesus: “For the joy that lay before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2b).
There are some very practical ways to apply this to shame.
If shame is about self-hatred at our own expense, we need to instead recognize that we are the creations of God who are guilty of sin. Every one of us is guilty! But when we confess our sins, God delights in cleansing us of our unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). We need to let go of our shame and turn to Jesus in repentance.
If our shame makes us afraid to be fully seen and known, we find ourselves in isolation, “but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7). In other words, by fighting to stay in the light of Christ’s way with other believers (through accountability, among other things), we are cleansed!
When we, with the help of allies, embrace a lifestyle of repentance and honesty, we have taken a huge step in destroying shame in our lives and stopping the shame cycle with it. There’s plenty of other work to do, of course, like addressing our triggers and rituals directly; our allies can help with that too. And, we may need to seek professional help to address our own woundedness or seek to make restitution to others we hurt (like our spouses). This is not an easy process! But in our repentance, we can rest in God’s forgiveness. His mercy is immeasurable; his kindness infinite”.
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- This Blog was adapted from a blog by Lisa Eldred HERE
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